so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
