Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
