I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
