I'm so fucking centered right now
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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