went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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