dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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