On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
