He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
