One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
