it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
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