I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
