i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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