I wish my penis had an off switch
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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