That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
