Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize