Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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