3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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