Your face is a jimmy john
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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