You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
