I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
