just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
