I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
