We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Randomize
