just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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