Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
