theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize