I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
