He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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