My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You need a sexual gate keeper
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize