I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
