Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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