You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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