She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
