i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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