is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
