Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
