I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize