I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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