the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
