You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
