I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
