Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
