saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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