Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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