We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
