so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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