In America we eat man semen.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
