Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
