I am midnight drunk by noon
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
