Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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