if i can run in heels then i can drive
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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