She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
