I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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