You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
