I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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