I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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