He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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