Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
