I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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