Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
