Only a mothe r could love this liver
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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