No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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