Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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