K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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