shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
