i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Vodka?
Forever.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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