how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
