What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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