Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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