either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
