I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
